Wellness in the time of COVID-19 - Part 6

Hello everyone. This week the topic is expectations. Often in our work and personal lives we create our own internal expectations, for instance, we will finish this project by Friday, we will exercise 30 minutes tonight, we will finally fold that laundry and put it away etc. We may become overly attached to these internal expectations, placing great value upon them, no matter how small the task may be. Unfortunately, this means when our expectations aren’t met, we get disappointed, maybe even angry. For some reason I get very disappointed in myself if dirty dishes are left in the sink, but I don’t feel the same disappointment if I don’t wash my sheets. This is because I have created an internal expectation of having a clean kitchen and placed importance upon this. 

Further compounding this may be external expectations of us from other people such as managers, partners or friends. Stress can arise particularly when external and internal expectations are in conflict with one another, which is often because of time constraints. For example, to finish that project on Friday you have to forego your daily exercise and work overtime. Sometimes, however, the conflict is more complicated, and occurs because internal and external expectations contradict one another more directly. Externally you may be expected to be objective, unemotional and maintain “professional distance”. Internally you may set your own expectation of being warm, friendly and sympathetic. How, then, do you balance them out?

The first step to managing expectations is to reflect on your current methods. How do you respond to expectations- both internal and external? 

Gretchen Rubin, NY Times best-selling author has a quiz to help figure this out, classifying four types of responses:

  • Upholders - meet both internal and external expectations

  • Questioners - meet internal expectations, but question the value of external expectations

  • Obligers- meet external expectations but less so internal ones

  • Rebels - resist expectations both internal and external but are often very passionate

Once we have reflected on current approaches, it’s time to take the reflection deeper with some mindfulness activities. 

  • Start with what expectations you have created internally- make a list

  • Ask yourself- are they reasonable, logical, ascertainable? Remember that expectations cannot always be met, no matter how determined you are, because they may have been unrealistic in the first place

  • What is the worst thing that will happen if those expectations aren’t met? The dishes stay in the sink for a night- that isn’t the end of the world

  • Cross off any expectations that aren’t feasible. 

The same can be done with external expectations. 

  • Communicate clearly with bosses, partners, friends and family about expectations- make sure you are on the same page

  • If an unexpected roadblock occurs, first pause and acknowledge any feelings of frustration. Then let them pass like a cloud across the sky

  • Communicate any changes to all involved and together adjust the expectation to what is reasonable, so that the responsibility isn’t yours alone. For example, we cannot get this guideline finished by Friday, but let’s aim to have it finished by next Wednesday. 

Some of the above concepts have been adapted from the following source: https://www.mindful.org/using-mindfulness-manage-expectations/.

Remember to stay well, stay active and stay mindful, until next week, 

-A

Last week’s photo was obviously of the Pyramids of Giza in Egypt. The first pyramid built was actually the largest one of the three. The other two pharaohs must have been very good at managing their expectations, recognising that building such a large structure again was less realistic they built smaller ones, though they did add more complex internal structures and a sphinx…

Can you guess where this picture was taken?

Can you guess where this picture was taken?

Helen Rhodes